The Art of Defecating – Politely!

UNIVERSAL ADVICE:

In the course of a human life, cohabitation will inevitably occur once one’s children have reached young adulthood – but have not left home. One must quickly learn to adapt to the ways of others in order to create a harmonious and comfortable home for all those existing within. The simple tasks like washing the dishes, taking out the rubbish and checking to see if that’s a dead rat under the sink may come naturally for most. Respecting one another’s space and privacy while still maintaining a cordial, if not close friendship is a balancing act that requires an almost choreographed precision. Many pairings would have succeeded, were it not for their lack of ‘pooping’ etiquette.

This house party is lit.
Polite Society!

Poop etiquette is the customary code of polite behavior in society or among members of a particular profession or group while pooping. The following is to teach the ‘uneducated’ the best practices in common decency when defecating while living with people.

The Sounds

When a human relieves themselves of their built up fecal matter, some release animalistic sounds in the forms of grunts, moans, and “ughgodwhyyy?” When alone, one can freely release these sounds at whatever volume he or she chooses. However, if  company is at home, consider for a moment, how unnerving these sounds would be. As you hoot and holler your company on the other side of the wall is left wondering if there is anything they can do to help……… Please believe, there isn’t.

               Where are her frands?

 

Another technique to consider so as to drown out the cacophony of pooping would be to turn on the sink to buffer the sound of your hefty droppings splattering into the toilet bowl; or even the trumpet sounds of air being expelled from the bowels. That, (I must replace it) noisy ceiling fan would help even better – or try singing!

The Smell

Silent but deadly.
“I’m sorry. ‘Twas silent but deadly, madam.”

 

After stewing in one’s own stench for a while, human’s become impervious to the smell of their personal musty odours. However, that scent can carry throughout entire house or apartment, subjecting everyone and everything to the complete hell on earth. To prevent this, one should first, close the door – Always close the door! Secondly, spray beforehand. This saves you and whoever is in the smelling radius from being subjected to the funk of 40 thousand years. If that doesn’t work, light a cigar and open a window.

The Hygiene

She's doing it wrong.

Using up all of the toilet paper never goes well with the person who has to buy it. Sometimes, when one poops, wadding occurs – the younger you are the more you do it! Wadding is a scientific term for wrapping toilet paper around your hand 30x to protect the hand from contact with any fecal matter. Here, there is a common misconception that wadding will help clean your backside better because there is more toilet paper. That is FALSE. Save youself and your partner some money and some arguments and purchase a bidet which will afford the most thorough booty wash ever. Introducing the bidet to the household will adjust everyone’s way of approaching the way they poop, knowing that such an aid will cater for any bottom in the house.

The Clean-Up

Look at the size of that thing!

When one has completed their defecation ritual, it is customary to flush so that no skidmarks are left behind.. However, one flush may not be enough when there is a mountain of fudge deposited. Well, one must wash away any ‘leftovers’ from the toilet bowl with an extra flush – or get down on your knees and scrub!

By following this etiquette, everyone will thrive together in cohabitation, particularly young adults, just as long as they don’t date one another’s exes.

THE END

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